I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
