Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
