I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
