I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize