Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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