Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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