just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
