My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
