Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My balls are so social today.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
