Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
