Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
