WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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