sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Randomize
