Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
