I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm getting married
To pizza
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
