Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
