either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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