i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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