just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
