Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
