So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
