I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
