a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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