Your dad touched me again.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
