I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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