It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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