i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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