I looked at my own cervix.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
