So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
