do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
