Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
