we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
