FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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