my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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