Can i not drive my cunt home
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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