I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
