I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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