How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
