there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
