One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
