i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
