Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
