why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
