At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
