i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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