Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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