I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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