Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
