The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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