Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize