I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
