I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
