im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
