I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Apparently you make a good broom.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
