Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize