I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
