I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
