Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
