If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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