I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize