Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
