You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
