is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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