i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
