i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
